The Shape of Things to Come

There is inside you all of the potential to be whatever you want to be, all of the energy to do whatever you want to do.
Imagine yourself as you would like to be, doing what you want to do.
And each day, take one step towards your dream.
And though at times it may seem too difficult to continue, hold on to your dream.
One morning you will awake to find that you are the person you dreamed of, doing what you wanted to do, simply because you had the courage to believe in your potential and hold on to your dream.
- Donna Levine

Today, I went to the Garden Loft [a garden at the office building where we smoke and drink] to write. With a pencil in my right hand and a cigarette in my left, I began writing. I wrote until my hands hurt and until I had no more sheets to write on.

It continues to be a sad day at the office. Just as I was packing up my stuff for the night, a colleague places her stuff on a balikbayan box, closing a good nine years she’s had with the company.

I made a huge decision --- that is to move out of my comfort zone give this one thing I’m so afraid of another try. For so many months, I was paralyzed with fear, with anxiety, with an aching and a thousand questions that start with “What if?”

I can’t stress enough how liberating the whole decision-making process was. For a time, the stress showed in my attitude, being cranky and all. I was a little of this, too. Best, I mean, worst of all, I only saw the bad in everything. I started hating every single issue I came face to face with and my decision-making skills were waning. It was un-amazing. Surreal and it came with a trickle-down effect. I hated waking up every morning, I hated going home, I hated walking even just a kilometer and shopping, no matter how many stuff I bought did not matter. Soon it was a letdown after another. Been attracting the wrong vibes, I thought.

But I attracted even more negative vibes. I failed an interview [not for a job though], didn’t get through a screening, cried so much over the phone and racked up a phone bill the size of a third world debt. It wasn’t a pretty sight.

However, it all changed when I made the decision. A decision I pored over through countless YM chats with my mother, deep conversations with my bestfriend, Excel sheets and my own thoughts echoing in between lyrics and the sound of the WeepiesWorld Spins Madly On.

I can’t disclose what this decision was, not because I’m ultra-cool or anything but because it’s another story of its own. For now, do celebrate with me as I revel in the positive effects of this: a stronger relationship with my family, one that is not bound by the distance we have between us, a renewed and reaffirmed friendship with a friend sister, self-esteem I never knew I had and the most exciting possibilities. Seriously, I’ve never been this excited for the shape of things days to come.

*image via AHC.