The Beautiful Denials

There is no way to fathom the depth of a denial.

It's a pain that slowly permeates from the heart, through the chest, and then without warning, to your eyes. The next thing you know, you're crying your eyes out at 3 AM despite the knowledge of your 8 AM meeting.

Anyone has had this. It could be something you've prayed for so fervently. I know this because there has been something I've been praying for --- for about five years now, and I still haven't gotten it. I've often wondered if it was a personal vendetta of the universe to me until lately, though I don't know if I would get it finally, that I realized that things have a way of working out.

You see, I am quite the multi-tasker. Despite my non-admittance, I love getting recognition, rewards and good words from my personal stakeholders. I love it when my work is affirmed {especially if it's paid!} because it assures my effort and I know that no energy has been wasted. Sometimes, we don't get this, and we begin to question the validity of this denial and all the efforts that have gone out.

And then adulthood happened and all these denials made sense.

I understand now why the trips I wanted for so long never happened. I understand the relationships which never happened. I understand the relationships that have happened but failed into destruction. I understand the friendships which have fallen away after decades. I now understand the denials and failures and rejections which have resulted to make me turn into directions I never would've gone through, people whom I may never have met if not for the trajectories caused by the detours that blind us from somewhere.

Someday, I will thank these small instances that breaks my smile, and realize that indeed, there was a reason for it all. When I look back in hindsight, everything will make sense.

When you're older, you know things really has a way of working out.
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EDIT: Two years later, I'm thinking that maybe I don't know anything.