2011: The Year So Far
Most of the days, I wonder, "Where have my days/weeks/months gone by?" In a my world ruled by elevator pitches, bullet-point presentations, 12-hour workdays and overlapping deadlines, it's sometimes impossible to keep track of our successes, to reflect {or beat down oneself, if needed}on mistakes, or to pat our backs when in dire need. For the month of June alone, I haven't had the time to focus on what I my mind was saying, that I almost broke down into tears when I finally heard myself during a yoga session, just as I was launching into the dancer's pose.
Know What You're Made Of. Sometime in the beginning of June, I finally hauled by butt to the gym and started subjecting myself to torture and all kinds of exercises {Pilates, Combat, Yoga, you name it} and while I am not exactly un-fit, it took every ounce of willpower to get through every hour of these activities. Many times, especially during yoga, I have considered walking out of the room for fear of falling flat into my face and crying upon the scornful looks of my fellow yoginis. But I lived to tell the tale and came back for more. At that moment, I knew I was made of more than just hearts and sunshine. And that after all, maybe I had grit. And I couldn't help but feel eternally grateful.
Just because you're ______, doesn't mean you should be unfair. I got to know a side of myself this past few months: that is my worst version. I wouldn't expound how bad it was but I do know that it was brought about the stress and the time pressure that enveloped me for so long. All I know was this person was selfish, stubborn, mean and demanding and looking at her, she did not deserve to surface just because she was stressed. It wasn't fair. And so I learned to keep things in check: to think longer before saying anything, before acting on impulses, on making decisions, big or small. I've taken it to writing on my planner the phrase 'Be kind for everyone is fighting her own battle' if only to remind myself every single day that I am not the only one with a stressful life.
EDIT: Of course, in true Tara fashion, my pitch have been up the roof today. I can't wait till this blows over.
The Gratitude Attitude. I've been doing the mostly weekly blog thing Things I Love Sundays for a good two years now and while I used to think it's enough, I have taken on a more frequent approach to thinking about blessings by tweeting about them every night before I sleep. Sure, it could've been enough to just think about them but tweeting makes it more share-able, hopefully, more people would be thankful about something in their lives instead of just incessantly ranting online {there I go ranting!}. One of my wonderful bosses shared her journal entry for the day and in it, she realized how God is always generous hence a) never forget to thank Him b) don't be afraid to ask unabashedly. Both are hard to do on a regular basis, but proves to be a positive light and helps one act more kindly. At least that's what it does to me.
Discipline is worth it. I have started reading Mireille Guiliano's French Women For All Seasons and this was the official start of my journey towards eating healthily. It wasn't so much because I was trying to lose weight. I remember just wanting to give it a try and when I did start eating more greens, chewing slowly and ingesting less junk/fast/processed food, and adding just half the sugar I used to, I started feeling better. Nowadays, I go out of my way {aka spend more than I usually do} just so I can eat more vegetables, fiber and resist the urge to snack on French fries and fast food sandwiches. Also, I don't drink as much as I did last year.
PS: I have also quit the analog cigarettes. I still smoke but it's more aptly called Vaping or using e-cigarettes with flavor, of course mine being Marlboro Lights. That's about 90% less nicotine, zero tar and all the bad stuff are gone. Hopefully this goes on.
I truly am comfortable being alone. But that doesn't mean I want to be alone for the rest of my life. I've been single for the last two years and until now {this is risking being ingrata and all that}, it truly is one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life {on a higher rung than you know, choosing a lipstick shade}. I know that having someone is more than just being together physically but I guess what I'm saying is that I truly, truly enjoy my own company. Staying thousands of miles away from home for a few days, hours with no one, sparked something in me. Something good, something more infinite, something I've yet to work on. All I know is, I am not afraid pala, to be alone.
Never forget your value. Or at least make time to check. I will not deny it: the first half of 2011 was the year I got offers from other companies. For the first time, headhunters have been reaching out to me and I have been given very tempting offers, too. With me still being in the same company as I type this, it's imperative to say that indeed I do love where I am and while I am staying, it feels nice to be approached by several companies to be part of their teams. It makes me realize I am no longer a fresh grad and (surprise!) I am older now, and that my value now as a professional is more than I was five years ago.
and:
That I am not capable of being angry. I'm capable of being annoyed but not of being angry. I do not know if this is a good or a bad thing but I can't, for the life of me, stay angry. Or you know, angry enough to make a point that the other party was wrong or offensive. I can't even stay poker-faced trying to act angry. I once did that this year and I burst out laughing. What is wrong with me?
Ultimately, despite all these, I am not the person I wanted to be. Forget about the baby steps. Time to take the leap.
How was half of your 2011?
Love,
T.